the 'bitch' is back.

A few weeks ago I wrote an entire post lamenting about my lack of coolness. You know, my inability to party like the college student I used to be...

Hahaha, hahaha. Guess who's back?

I'm here to tell you that Saturday night, two days ago, during an impromptu visit to Pullman... bitch could hang. As a matter of fact, bitch hung out all night, drinking and laughing and dancing with the best of them (and by the best of them I mean the people who never forgot how to hang, aka my friends).

And since Saturday night brought me back to my roots, Sunday, naturally, was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life. Evidently I can drain bottles like it's nobody's business, but eventually reality sets in, my BAC drops, and I spend the rest of the day vomiting, sneering, crying, shuddering and cursing the day I met alcohol and subsequently fell in love.

It all started with a call from my dear friend, we'll refer to her as 'Maci'... as in we all refer to her as 'Maci'. Some people assume it's her real name. It's not.

Anyway, this 'Maci' calls me, and asks if I'd like to go to Pullman with her for the night. I thought, why the hell not? She said 'fall things' were on the agenda, so being the naive, lame person that I've grown to be, I figured we would go to dinner, carve some pumpkins, and maybe, if we were feeling really adventurous, we'd go to a haunted house. I should mention that I don't like haunted houses, I don't enjoy things grabbing at me or screaming at me or jumping out at me... spurts of terror-induced adrenaline coursing through my veins is for some reason unbeknownst to me, not my idea of a good time... so going to a haunted house was quite a stretch.

It seems that I needn't have worried. The words 'haunted house' were never uttered, though, the words 'round of tequila shots', were. Twice. And we all know that's just as frightening.

The night began with a walk up to Dupus Boomer's, WSU's only full bar that's legitimately on campus. I should have known that the minute we decided to forgo vehicular transportation, that we were in for a long night. Evidently we all had the foresight to know that no one would be in shape to get behind a wheel... though I probably could have been issued a citation for man-handling my wheel-y suitcase up B-street later that night... but that's neither here nor there.

At Dupus, we by-passed the 20 person line and walked straight into the bar, sitting down for mugs of hefeweizen and Blue Moon, ridiculously large margaritas, and what almost looked like double-shots of Jose, (they ran out of Pancho, so we had to make do...). Someone even ordered gator bites... and while they didn't taste like chicken, I'm not so sure they tasted like swamp, either.

After dinner and drinks, we meandered out of the CUB, singing the chorus of 'Who Let the Dogs Out', jumping on statues and, for some reason, quoting the Green Street Hooligans, mostly by yelling "FUCKING WANKER" in a British accent to anyone who'd listen... Our (or I should say the boys, as I generally decline to yell 'wanker' in anyones direction... I'm pretty sure) revelry was especially disconcerting to two boys of the brethren wearing their letters across the street, and the night almost became a little more interesting... but they were scared of our (again, not me, I just like the camaraderie I feel when I use pronouns) cool accents, obviously, so they backed off.

We shuffled into the Coug, put some Johnny Cash, Bob Marley and Nirvana (quite a threesome, I know) on the juke box, and immediately tucked into three Boone's passes and five pitchers of Pullman water (Busch Light...). I should also mention there were six of us... aka, we did work.

It was when we cheered (loudly) for ASU's last touchdown that we seemed to have alerted the staff to our presence, and one of the bartenders decided to come over for a chat. She draped herself over one of my friends, who we will refer to as 'My Man', and looked up at the screen, asking what happened. Now, a lot of people know and love 'My Man', so I thought nothing of this sign of affection, though in my wildest dreams I never expected the next turn of events... As I was about to explain, someone in our party, we'll call him 'Kriegs' stood, and yelled in her face, "NACHO BITCH!"

My tongue nearly fell out of my mouth.

As some of you may, or may not know, 'Nacho Bitch' is practically famous amongst my group of friends. Legend has it that 'My Man' was once eating, you guessed it, nachos at one of the local watering holes, when he happened to procure some cheesy residue upon his face. The girl he was probably trying to wheel at the moment alerted him to this fact, and, rather than hand him a napkin... licked it off of his cheek. At least, that's what I heard through the grapevine, aka my drunk friends who played witness to the incident. She was then dubbed 'Nacho Bitch', and has since lived on in what I assumed was, practically fictionalized, over-exaggerated infamy.

But lo-and-behold, 'Nacho Bitch' was alive and not so well, as she seemed a little perturbed to finally realize her nickname. She assured us that she had a real name, and to that I thought, no shit, we didn't think your parents named you after an encounter with a spicy Mexican appetizer. But I kept my mouth shut as she also informed us that she could, and I quote, "cut you off and kick you out if you piss me off." At least she lived up to part of her nickname...

After the 'Nacho Bitch' left us to our own devices, the Coug began to fill with its usual crowd of ne'er-do-well fun-havers, and though we love the place, we decided to skip along to the Club, known as Mike's, to cap off the night. Some people call it Stubblefields, but that's only if they're lame (and I was not, for one night only, so I obviously had to refer to it as Mike's).

As soon as we walked into 'the Club', I knew something was amiss. I could see the floor. I could obtain space at the bar, and if I wanted to, a table near it as well. The bartender could hear my normal-decibeled (I know it's not a word) plea for a vodka soda with extra limes... which begged the question: Where are all the loud, obnoxious drunks? Were we the only ones?

We bought our drinks, deciding to tempt fate by making a purchase off the specials board- a double Captain and Sprite that they advertised as tasting 'like a cream soda!!' With fear and trepidation, we took a sip, and to our great surprise, it did! Of course, I was two margaritas, one tequila shot, three boones passes and countless cups of Busch Light deep at that point, so my judgement may have been ever-so-slightly impaired.

We sauntered down to the lower level, where I once again, stood in shock and awe, and had to ask, "Where are all the drunks?"

There was only one grossly overly PDA-ing couple in sight, the poles and boxes were devoid of inebriated girls, and there was room to move. We could have square-danced, if the idea happened upon us. Thank God it didn't, because I'm sure not one of us would have thought it to be anything less than a superb suggestion.

After another round of double Captain and Sprites, tequila shots, and one 151-infused 'surprise' concoction, courtesy of my favorite Mike's bartender- the place started to fill up. Unfortunately, DJ Goldfinger wasn't spinning, so there were no random "BITCH!" chants through-out any of the songs, but all in all it was a great night. I don't actually remember the rest of it, but I'm pretty sure it was fun.

I think we walked home, though I'm unsure of the route, or who 'we' entails. I had a suitcase, I think, and I struggled in wheeling it back to Providence Court, though it would seem I eventually got there.

Waking up the next morning around 10, I spent a few hours on the bathroom floor, you know, just hanging out. My friends asked if I was dead, to which I replied, with conviction, "Yes."

As I had to work later that night, (fuck my life, right?), we had to head home immediately, even though I was in no shape to drive, ride, or live. But 'Maci' only had to pull over twice, and I only felt like death during 98% of the trip... Sure, I swore off drinking in my nauseated, head-aching state, and yeah, I briefly fantasized about throwing myself out of the car... but greatness comes at a price, you know?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, killer hangover and shoddy recollection of the previous nights' events be damned... being a true 'Coug', and by that I mean drunk, is always worth it.

GO COUGS!




Check back in next week, because I'll probably have tons of fun sober stories. Not possible, you say? Oxy-moron?

Yeah. You're probably right.

excuses make you lose your power...**

Excuses, excuses, excuses... we all use them. They’re convenient, sometimes easy to come up with, and make everyone feel better about the situation at hand. But when do excuses cross the line?

The other day while driving home from work, I was pulled over by the Pasco police. Why, you ask? Oh, well, it was because I didn't have my lights on, and it was roughly 10:30 PM. I've been driving for nearly six years, ergo I should know when it's appropriate to use my headlights.

When asked about my egregious error in vehicle maneuvering, I came up with this gem of a reason... “I just wasn’t thinking.”

Yeah bitch, I guess.

We, as in humans/Americans/people in general, seem to use the, "I just wasn't thinking", excuse a lot. Why is this? We all know it's total bullshit. Umm, yeah right, I wasn’t thinking... I'm pretty sure it's physiologically impossible to 'not think'. Sometimes I’m just a dumbass, plain and simple.

Overuse of this ‘not thinking’ line could mean one of two things. Either society’s intelligence is nearing reality show star level (several points above a vegetative state, for those of you who are unfamiliar with The Hills), or... we just like to make shit up to cover our own asses.

Could stupidity and the ability to ‘not think’ really be a pandemic of H1N1 proportions? I certainly hope not, but we all had to know that the end of human intelligence was near when a show like, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant", had enough material to air more than one episode. Really? You didn't know you were with child? For the love of all that is holy, keep it to yourself, and hope that your kid doesn't someday stumble across the DVD record of you telling the nation the story of its birth, which happened to be in a toilet, while you were halfway through your shift at Wendy's. The poor kid is going to have a hard enough life with you as a parent.

As hopeless as I feel after watching a marathon of idiotic pregnant women confessing their parking lot birth stories (more so because I wasted time watching, rather than caring that it actually happened), I don’t think stupidity is the real issue. I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

I think, what people actually mean when they say, "I just wasn't thinking!" is, "That was so fucking stupid, I can't believe I did that, I’m sooo embarrassed." Blaming your less-than-brilliant idea (or lack thereof) on misfiring synapses in your prefrontal cortex just sounds better than admitting your own defeat.

"I just wasn't thinking!" isn't the only ‘cop-out’ phrase we frequent... Who hasn't used the little ditty known as, "No offense-", as a pre or post statement warning? By informing our conversational target that we mean no ill-will, it's almost as if we're allowed to say anything without fear of repercussions.

It’s quite literally an excuse to be a jerk, because, you’re forcing the person beforehand to take no offense. Like telling someone you’re going to pinch them, and then following through- they can’t get mad, can they? You warned them!

But, like all good excuses, ‘no offense’ can only go so far in protecting you. It’s like verbal birth control, it’ll most likely keep a child at bay (take note, ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’-ers!), but it won’t save you from herpes... shudder.

"No offense, but that was the most idiotic thing I've ever heard," seems allowable in conversations amongst friends, but I would never utter, "No offense, but your baby is ugly as fuck,"... even if the child in question was exceedingly unattractive. It just seems rude, and it’s one of those things you can’t come back from (like herpes...). It’s highly unlikely that the mother of Godzilla’s mini-me will let you continue in your attempts to assure her that your statement was really a complement, that ‘ugly as fuck’ means ‘pretty as an angel’ in your vocabulary. You’d be better off feigning a strange bout of Tourette’s.

To me, saying 'no offense' is technically just saying, "I'm an ass, and I realize that this is a rude thing to say, but I'm going to go ahead with it anyway because, well, I already told you I'm an ass... What more do you want from me?!?"

When it comes down to it, we're all guilty of using convenient phrases to skirt around common decencies like accountability, assumed aptitude and decorum... it’s part of our charm. And while excuses seem reasonable at certain points in our daily lives, we all need to realize that they are always going to be just that... excuses. They may give us a chance to bide some time and make up for our bad behavior, but they’ll soon become as tired as Tom Cruise... and no one will want to hear, or see them, anymore.

But have no fear! Thankfully, college has shown me that there is one excuse that nullifies nearly anything you could ever say or do (sans bodily harm or injury, those trump all)... Yep, you guessed it.

Drunkenness. No explanation needed. You’re welcome.

PREACH.




**And I'll buy a beer, or juice, for the first person to name the man responsible for the title of this entry.

look at me, i'm maturing... sort of.

It seems like it was just last week that I declared my immaturity... you know, my penchant for Hercules, Mulan and the Little Mermaid and distaste for matrimony and children?

Oh, wait, it was last week. Literally seven days ago. But I'm here to tell you, that yes, I am maturing. Slowly.

As ridiculous as it may sound (and I assure you, it will sound ridiculous, especially if you read it out loud in a Minnesotan accent), I discovered my new found maturity while singing along to a Miley Cyrus song. Right, I know. It's not just my varied music tastes that assure me of my limitless intellectual boundaries...

You see, all my life, I've been terribly afraid of what other people think of me. I'm a very cynical and sarcastic person, but I try to keep my bitchy asides to myself, and the people I call my best friends- you know, the ones that I'm friends with because they either have incriminating photos of that one night, know way too much about the 'real' me, or because it's too hard to break in a new friend at this age. But to strangers, I strive to be unusually pleasant and try way too hard at being humorous and agreeable.

It's exhausting.

I've always been fearful of disagreeing with the status quo, or voicing my opinion if I thought it to be contrary to the majority's. I don't know why, but I've constantly censured myself. It's not even that my opinions are that wacky, or outlandish, or offensive. When I was younger, I guess it was just easier not to have them at all, tame as they may be.

Last Thanksgiving, we were all sitting in my grandparent's living room, when my cousin let out a slight giggle. "Nice shoes, Grandma."

I looked over to my grandmother, who was born in the 1930's, and down to her fancy footwear. She was wearing Rocawear sneakers.

"Thank you! I got them at Macy's." --Was her reply. She didn't care that people her age generally stick to Keds, and I really doubt she knows who, exactly, Jay-Z is. The simple fact was, they were brown and gold and matched her outfit, so she bought them. She liked them, and that was all that mattered.

It got me thinking... maybe that's what maturity is? Liking what you like, being who you are, with no excuses or explanations necessary.

And that begs the question... who am I? I'm not really sure, but here are a few truths:

I like that Miley Cyrus song. I don't like all of her songs, but the new one, Party in the USA? I like it. If it's on the radio, I'll sing along. If it comes up on my iPod's shuffle (yes, I downloaded it) I may pause long enough to hear it through its last chorus.

Clueless, is probably my favorite movie of all time. I have others that I quite enjoy: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Next, This is Spinal Tap, My Man Godfrey, Edward Scissorhands and the Princess Bride... but Clueless? It was brilliant. I don't care what anyone says.

I love Target. It is a fantastic store.

Sometimes I watch NFL games, but only for three reasons. Tom Brady, Brady Quinn, and Mark Sanchez. I couldn't care less about the game. I usually only watch a few minutes, get in a few close-ups of the QB, and peace out to a different channel. Probably ABC Family or something equally juvenile.

I'm disorganized to a fault. It's pathetic, because I have planners and binders and file folders and bins and hangers and ANYTHING anyone would ever possibly need to be a reasonably neat and tidy person. And I disregard them. It's as if I buy them to appease some sort of cleanliness obsessed person deep inside me, but my sloth-like tendencies always come out the victor.

I hate Ugg boots, Ed Hardy, Juicy fits (tracksuits, to those of you who don't have a Jevon dictionary) and probably almost anything fashionable... Perhaps it's that I have no fashion sense, but I'm okay with that.

Apathy is something I've mastered, conquered and learned to hate. It's who I am, but I know that to become a better person, I need to fight against it with all my strength. I'll work on that tomorrow, I guess.

I don't understand the whole Twilight, Edward, vampire obsession. I've read the books, I saw the movie. I still don't get it. And I'm pretty sure I'm one of about eight people that shares that opinion. I also don't understand the hoopla surrounding Star Wars, or the Lord of the Rings. Though, I have to admit, I love Harry Potter. I'm not 11, but I sure as hell would drop anything and everything if my Hogwarts letter rolled in tomorrow, late because of my frequent address changes...

So there you go. A tiny, little peek into the real me. These things may not seem monumental, at all, but most of them are things that I clearly remember lying about. Oh, also, I lie a lot. Mostly to strangers, but does that make it any better? Actually, I think it does... but that's neither here nor there.

It comes down to the fact that you may not like me, but I can't say that I actually care. Well, I probably do, because who am I kidding, I live to be liked... But I'm going to try not to.

I'M BECOMING A GROWN UP!

So suck on that, suckers (lame...).

the real world: pasco

No, I don't live with seven strangers while camera crews chronicle my every inebriated mistake (assuming that most decisions made under the influence are, in fact, mistakes), but I feel that I've begun to wade into the pool that is 'real life'.

FYI... It is an icy cold bitch with one hell of an undertow. And it's riddled with slimy seaweed that scares the crap out of you when it slithers around your leg.

The many perks of real life have made me stop and think, and realize that I sincerely miss college.

My memories of joy and splendor in the tundra of the 509 prompted me to recently rearrange my entire schedule, setting aside a Saturday night especially for a Pullman reunion. One night in the birthplace of constant revelry and drunken good times was all it took to comprehend how far I've come since my abrupt departure last spring.

I've become lame, and sober, or as some of my friends would say, "Bitch can't hang." Two beers into the night, I found myself content with watching the lewdness surrounding me rather than joining in. I poured out the warm ale taking up residence in the bottom of my bottle (something that is practically punishable by death) and became a fly on the wall in the world of collegiate merrymaking.

Truth be told, I even refused a thrice offered pull of watermelon vodka. Of course, I hate watermelon, I've struggled with vodka since a camping trip gone awry, and I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac- thereby deathly afraid of catching the swine flu... but I haven't always been so pragmatic. The old me would have thrown caution to the wind, impending illness be damned. I would have choked down the fruit flavored atrocity gladly, if only because it was free and wasn't wearing a Monarch label.

People climbed on cars, falling off them ever-so-gracefully, they were tricked into taking shots of olive oil, they screamed and yelled and fell and most likely vomited. There was ping pong in the yard, and condoms strewn about the ground. Reliving the night, I'm beginning to think that every college movie and show that we all feel is ridiculously over-exaggerated... probably isn't. Crazy shit goes down.

College is one of those places where people sing in the streets and dance on the sidewalks. It's where people get their heads shaved (unbeknownst to them) on the front steps of their friend's house at one in the morning. In college you can heckle a girl on the bus because you don't believe her English accent is real, or run through parking lots screaming about some boy you're obsessed with in your Econ class. Just don't throw your camera in his general direction... drunk you won't be able to figure out how to fix it until the tequila wears off...

People in college can run into Pita Pit, in the middle of the afternoon, holding a small white mouse, demanding shredded cheese. They can also discuss shrooming in a tanning bed, and scream into their cell on campus, "I do not have AIDS!"

In Pullman, Wednesday is Wing Night, and on Tuesdays you used to be able to consume Flat on Your Wileys until you regained consciousness next to your trash can, in your bed, your house key bent in half. You can even wake up in your apartment managers office, having pissed all over her desk, wearing a swim cap with an American flag draped over your body.

God, I miss those days.

Most of the time, I don't feel like a grown up at all. I still live with my parents, I can't stomach the thought of eating tomatoes, and I have a certain affection for Disney movies... but I am 22 years old. I am technically a grown up. I see people my age (and younger) having babies, and getting engaged, and getting married... and it all makes me a little bit sick. Not because it's bad, or gross, or unnatural- but because I am so far away from 'that place' that it's hard to fathom my peers are nearing it. Or taking up residency in it.

Then, while perusing Facebook, I see the many albums of the 'kids' who are enjoying their first year or two out of high school. I think to myself, "Do they do anything other than drink? Good Lord. They're seriously drunk all the time. And why are they posting these pictures? They look hideously wasted. And whore-ish."

Cut to picture #242 of yours truly, and feel free to call me a hypocrite. Or a drunk. Or one hell of a competitor... (did I previously neglect to reminisce about 'The Ladder'?)

WSU was (and I say was with immense fondness and slight sadness) an amazing time. I love the town, and the people, and the energy that surrounded the Palouse. But there's nothing like one night in the breeding ground of debauchery to jostle me (permanently) out of the college mindset.

I'm not 19 anymore. I like drinks that taste good, and I quite enjoy waking up before noon. I have a limited tolerance for idiocy, as I get enough of it at work. I hate screaming over the music, and I shiver at the thought of sticky floors. I've become so incredibly lame.

I'm going to Vegas in a month, a place I'd vowed never to return to after my last four night stint... though I retracted my rather rash claim shortly after boarding the plane. I'm not worried, though. I know I'll be able to hold my own... Vegas can't touch Pullman. Even on the quietest of nights on the Palouse, choruses of "She's not that drunk!" can be heard near and far.

let's celebrate, with liquor, of course!

As Cinco de Mayo nears, and I train for nearly-lethal amounts of tequila and Coronas, I had a thought...

Almost all celebratory acts revolve around the (over)consumption of everyone's favorite drug... meth.  Er- I mean alcohol.

You aced (or even finished, I suppose) your Calc test?  BEER BONG!  It's your birthday?  Well then, here is a bottle of Monarch's finest and a bucket.  You'll need the bucket, trust me.  You're getting married?  Champagne!!  Oh, and a case of whiskey for when you realize what married life is all about...  Cheers!

Are we, as Americans (or humans in general), incapable of celebrating with out some sort of mind-altering agent?  I'm beginning to think so.

Last Cinco de Mayo was my second day in a post-21 run world, and it was also a Monday.  So you can only imagine the kind of shenanigans most of the Tri was up to.  And by that, I mean the town was practically dead.

But I was excited.  I finally got over my Cheney/Pullman induced alcohol coma, and was ready and rearing to go.  A few equally energetic comrades and I wandered into the Sports Page, a local watering hole that's usually filled with a college crowd, as well as several cougars (not the crimson and gray kind...) and truckers.  

There were four patrons other than us, and no drink specials in sight.  Needless to say, we ran our asses out of there before you could say, "Cops!"

The next stop was the Parkade, which was surprisingly (not really) even more lame.  We asked the tattooed bar maiden of the specials, and she looks at us as if we were drunk, though we were unfortunately mostly sober.

"We don't have drink specials."  She spat.  All right then, fuck you, see if we come back.  We're on a budget here and need to get lit.

So, heads hung low and spirits nearly drowned, we wandered into a little place called, THE TRASH.  It is not an ironic nickname, it is quite literally made up of, and full of, trash.  There were bras hanging from the ceiling and a caliber of clientele that is probably only mirrored in rural Arkansas.  Things were not looking good.

That is, until we spotted a little thing called the specials board...

"$3.00 Margaritas and 50 cent Tequila Shots!!!!!(until 12)" it read.  Well shit, it was 8:30, and it was gonna be a loooooong night.

After a few (haha) tequila shots and several blue margaritas, we found that THE TRASH was filling up fast, with, you guessed it- classy folks.

We found ourselves mingling and dancing and cavorting with the best of them, and by the best I mean the worst.  Almost all of us made it 8 seconds on the mechanical bull- oh, did I not mention there was a mechanical bull?  There was.  And one of us was in a dress.

It was a magical, magical night.  

Nights like Cinco de Mayo '08 and St Patrick's Day '09 (in Vegas, aka very interesting) make me wish I was of Mexican, or Irish decent, so that I could feel a little more legitimate and a little less of a cheap drunk when I celebrate with such ferocity.

Someday I will probably celebrate Cinco de Mayo how it's supposed to be celebrated... which is, uh... Well, to be truthful, I have no idea what the fuck Cinco de Mayo is.  

So until I figure that out, I guess I'll be down at the bar with a $7 bucket of Dos Equis and a few shots of Pancho Villa.  

¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

deceptions learned

Liar, liar, pants on fire, hanging on a telephone wire...

Well, if only that were true.  What a sight to behold, eh?  All the truth-impaired individuals, strung up by their Levi's, set a blaze with the fury of 'truthiness' everywhere...

The problem is, if we were all set on fire every time we told a fib, well, we'd all be casket crispies, spending the afterlife with millions of other burnt up tricksters.

For many of us, Santa was one of the biggest lies perpetuated to us in our youth.  There are literally thousands (or at least 3) lies that stem directly from the winter holidays.  

Be good, because Santa is watching you, and if you're good, he'll bring you presents!!  And we all love presents, don't we?  

It's better to give than to receive...  Sure, sure, where are my presents?  

It's the thought that counts.  What the fuck were you thinking when you bought me this ridiculous sweater?  I got you an iPod!?!

We're saddled with the thoughts that our eyes will stay crossed, that the Boogie Man may or may not be in our closet, and that our permanent record will surely be our undoing.  It doesn't take a lot of brain power to determine that eyes don't just stay crossed- you have to like, get hit in the head really hard or something.  And if he was anywhere, the Boogie Man would probably be under our beds.  Don't even get me started about permanent records...  Whoever started that one needs a swift kick to the shin.

When my mother was 5 or so, she had a babysitter who was especially practiced in the art of deception.  She found my mother in her parents room, putting on lipstick.  The babysitter looked at her, with what I can only assume was annoyance/sheer brilliance, and said this:

"You shouldn't have done that, Becky."

"Why?" My mom asked, terror-stricken.

"Lipstick is poison for little girls.  That's why they're not supposed to use it.  Now you're probably going to die."  

My mother put down the lipstick, devastated.  She went to her room, turned off the light, got under her covers, and waited to die.

The worst thing I ever did to a kid while baby-sitting was try and convince him that his name was spelled, "B-U-T-T-H-E-A-D".  Amateur.

I learned from my parents and other relatives to lie for two reasons, and two reasons only: to spare someone their feelings/sanity, or because it's funny when you get away with it.

I was in a play in first grade about dinosaurs, and I had two parts.  I was an Ankylosaurus (which I pronounced ankle-o-sore-us), and T-Rex.  I had a removable head piece that was fastened with velcro, and I had many lines (probably about 7) to remember and deliver with conviction.  After our first, last and only showing, I rode the bus home with fellow students and dinosaurs alike.  One boy, whom we shall call Duke Matchbord, was being an especially tough critic.  He was a fifth grader, whom I had my eye on, and was insanely cool and cute and wonderful.  But he thought the play was lame-to-the-extreme, as all 9 year olds would, because they're too good for everything and everyone.

But I digress.  So Duke didn't like the play... Well, there was really nothing I could do about that.  The next day in class, I felt the need to tell my fellow Rm 4 comrades of my brush with greatness/defeat.  For some reason I found myself in front of the class, crying, about the harsh words Duke had for us.  

I wailed, "and he said... he said, he hated the ankle-y one the most!!!!!!"

He didn't.  

I don't know why I said that.  I've been a liar and drama queen from birth, and while I don't know why that is... I have theories.

As a young child, I would frequent my grandparents pool in the summertime.  On one very special occasion, my cousin and I noticed that our grandfather had a rather large scar on his stomach.

"Grandpa, what is that?" I asked, or my cousin asked.  It guess it doesn't really matter.  One of us asked it, of that I am sure.

"This?  Oh, well kids, this here is where a bayonet sliced me during the Revolutionary War."

We looked at him, wide eyed with wonder.  Wow!  A bayonet wound.  From the Revolutionary War?!  We had no reason to distrust this wonderful man, as he would never beguile us with falsities of heroic wartime acts!

Who would lie about that?

My Grandpa, evidently.  It took me until our Revolutionary War unit in 4th grade to really question his authority, and wonder exactly how he could be 240 years old, while my Grandma was only 37...  Wait a minute?  She was lying too!

And we wonder how I turned out this way.

things I'll miss about college-

There are a few things, the majority of which deal with the over-consumption of alcohol and other substances, that run rampant in a college town.  With graduation nearing, I've compiled a short, sweet little list of some of the things that are near and dear to me... things that will be sorely missed when I leave Pullman for the real world.

1. The lack of children.  There aren't a lot of pre-teens running around campus, which makes me immensely happy.  Also a little sad, because I think they'd have a hell of a time at a kegger.

2.  The morning of November 1st.  There's nothing funnier than seeing slutty Tinkerbell, slutty Bo Peep or slutty anything-you-can-think-of wandering the streets, hair mussed and stilettos in hand.  It's satisfying to know that while you're on your way to class, they're pretty much on their way to hell.  Though, it's a little less funny when people are staring at you, still dressed in your Dorothy outfit, dragging a stuffed Toto and ruby red slippers across the parking lot, face full of shame and regret...

3.  Remembering your night in increments.

12:00 PM, waking up after a particularly rough Saturday night-  What a night!!  Drinking, fun with the friends, laughing, dancing.  I love college.

1:30 PM, flipping through your history book-   Oh my God, did I do a keg stand last night!  Yep, pretty sure I did.  I wonder how long I lasted?  I hope no one saw up my skirt...  Ha, who cares, I was wearing underwear.  I think...

2:06 PM, watching an episode of Weeds-  Wait, did I smoke weed last night?  Yeah, I think I remember that...  All in a good night!

3:15 PM, picking your belongings up off of the floor, where you threw them last night-  Why is my camera all scratched?  Shit, I totally fell down the stairs again, didn't I?  At least it didn't leave marks this time...  

4:10 PM, taking a shower-  Wait, what are all these bruises from?  Ugh, stairs.  

5:31 PM, loading a new Facebook album-  Ha, look at all of them dancing on the poles!  Sluts.  I'm glad I wasn't that out of control.

5:40 PM, Facebook notification-  I'm tagged in a video?  Oh, it's last night!  Wait, what am I... oh God.  Why am I on the pole?  Why am I upside down?  And I'm in a skirt, great.  Oh fuck, there's my underwear.

4. The thrill of playing textbook Russian Roulette.  To buy, or not to buy.  Sure, you can be one of those kids who orders all their books before the semester starts and has them waiting for them the weekend before class... but really, who does that?  Instead, I think it's fun to not buy the book until you absolutely have to.  Like the night before the assignments due.  Yeah, ok, you might get screwed and the book might be sold out... but on the bright side, you might go the whole semester without ever needing said book...  Then you won't feel so guilty for spending your book money on cheap vodka and cigarettes.

5.  Being a guest in your own home.  Who doesn't love going home and having Mom and Dad fawn all over you, cooking your favorite foods, making your bed and whatnot?  Their happiness to see you usually wears off around 9 PM when you decide you'd rather go drinking with your friends at a local pub than play Scrabble, but hey.  It was fun while it lasted.  Also- free laundry.

6.  There is an abundance of people your age.  No matter your taste or sexual preference, there are quite literally thousands of students to pique your interest.  You like the athletic boys?  Join the ranks of some of the nations best jersey chasers by hanging around the gym in your cutest Pink! sweats, or frequent the football/basketball/baseball parties, hair teased and heels high.  Athletes not your style?  Try the frat-tastic jackasses on Greek Row.  They're the ones wearing the matching sweatshirts, or flamboyantly colored Polos and A&F tees, laughing and yelling and reveling in each other's magnificence.  More into the Goth culture?  I'm sure they hang around the art building, or something...

7.  There's always the possibility of being part of a deep conversation.  You haven't lived until you've discussed what Neitzsche really meant when he said, "God is dead," at 3 in the morning, with your roommates shacking buddy, after 6 beers and 3 vodka crans.   Oh, the enlightenment.

8.  You have no real responsibilities.  Sure, you might have a part time job, and yeah, your calculus class is probably pretty rough, but largely, life is good.  If you mess up on someone's order of Clucks and Fries, no one's going to die.  And if you fail calc?  Take it again.  Oh, you've already failed it once?  Perhaps you should try a less strenuous major, like General Studies.  And maybe pick up some extra shifts at Red Robin...

9.  You can drink excessively, act like a total ass, and no one's judging.  When else in life is it socially acceptable to drink until you are impaired in almost every plane of existence?  I'll tell you where, no where!  Unless you were raised by a bunch of alcoholics, in which case, Thirsty Thursdays are nothing but a review.  In college, people pay no attention to the idiot falling down the stairs, stumbling around, pushing and groping unsuspecting passersby.  Who's that?  Oh, that's Billy.  He shot-gunned like, 8 beers an hour ago.  Fucking awesome, right?  Next he's gonna beer bong a fifth of Jack!  Epic!!!

10.  I was drunk, is always a valid excuse.  This won't work forever, but for now, you can explain to your roommates that you didn't do the dishes, because you were drunk.  To your partners in econ, you can explain that while you started your part of the paper, you didn't finish it, because you were drunk.  You said something offensive to your friend?  Well, you were really drunk, so, actually, you didn't mean it.  People won't always like this answer, but they'll sure as hell respect it.  But I'm betting your boss, your spouse, and your children will not be so understanding...