things I'll miss about college-

There are a few things, the majority of which deal with the over-consumption of alcohol and other substances, that run rampant in a college town.  With graduation nearing, I've compiled a short, sweet little list of some of the things that are near and dear to me... things that will be sorely missed when I leave Pullman for the real world.

1. The lack of children.  There aren't a lot of pre-teens running around campus, which makes me immensely happy.  Also a little sad, because I think they'd have a hell of a time at a kegger.

2.  The morning of November 1st.  There's nothing funnier than seeing slutty Tinkerbell, slutty Bo Peep or slutty anything-you-can-think-of wandering the streets, hair mussed and stilettos in hand.  It's satisfying to know that while you're on your way to class, they're pretty much on their way to hell.  Though, it's a little less funny when people are staring at you, still dressed in your Dorothy outfit, dragging a stuffed Toto and ruby red slippers across the parking lot, face full of shame and regret...

3.  Remembering your night in increments.

12:00 PM, waking up after a particularly rough Saturday night-  What a night!!  Drinking, fun with the friends, laughing, dancing.  I love college.

1:30 PM, flipping through your history book-   Oh my God, did I do a keg stand last night!  Yep, pretty sure I did.  I wonder how long I lasted?  I hope no one saw up my skirt...  Ha, who cares, I was wearing underwear.  I think...

2:06 PM, watching an episode of Weeds-  Wait, did I smoke weed last night?  Yeah, I think I remember that...  All in a good night!

3:15 PM, picking your belongings up off of the floor, where you threw them last night-  Why is my camera all scratched?  Shit, I totally fell down the stairs again, didn't I?  At least it didn't leave marks this time...  

4:10 PM, taking a shower-  Wait, what are all these bruises from?  Ugh, stairs.  

5:31 PM, loading a new Facebook album-  Ha, look at all of them dancing on the poles!  Sluts.  I'm glad I wasn't that out of control.

5:40 PM, Facebook notification-  I'm tagged in a video?  Oh, it's last night!  Wait, what am I... oh God.  Why am I on the pole?  Why am I upside down?  And I'm in a skirt, great.  Oh fuck, there's my underwear.

4. The thrill of playing textbook Russian Roulette.  To buy, or not to buy.  Sure, you can be one of those kids who orders all their books before the semester starts and has them waiting for them the weekend before class... but really, who does that?  Instead, I think it's fun to not buy the book until you absolutely have to.  Like the night before the assignments due.  Yeah, ok, you might get screwed and the book might be sold out... but on the bright side, you might go the whole semester without ever needing said book...  Then you won't feel so guilty for spending your book money on cheap vodka and cigarettes.

5.  Being a guest in your own home.  Who doesn't love going home and having Mom and Dad fawn all over you, cooking your favorite foods, making your bed and whatnot?  Their happiness to see you usually wears off around 9 PM when you decide you'd rather go drinking with your friends at a local pub than play Scrabble, but hey.  It was fun while it lasted.  Also- free laundry.

6.  There is an abundance of people your age.  No matter your taste or sexual preference, there are quite literally thousands of students to pique your interest.  You like the athletic boys?  Join the ranks of some of the nations best jersey chasers by hanging around the gym in your cutest Pink! sweats, or frequent the football/basketball/baseball parties, hair teased and heels high.  Athletes not your style?  Try the frat-tastic jackasses on Greek Row.  They're the ones wearing the matching sweatshirts, or flamboyantly colored Polos and A&F tees, laughing and yelling and reveling in each other's magnificence.  More into the Goth culture?  I'm sure they hang around the art building, or something...

7.  There's always the possibility of being part of a deep conversation.  You haven't lived until you've discussed what Neitzsche really meant when he said, "God is dead," at 3 in the morning, with your roommates shacking buddy, after 6 beers and 3 vodka crans.   Oh, the enlightenment.

8.  You have no real responsibilities.  Sure, you might have a part time job, and yeah, your calculus class is probably pretty rough, but largely, life is good.  If you mess up on someone's order of Clucks and Fries, no one's going to die.  And if you fail calc?  Take it again.  Oh, you've already failed it once?  Perhaps you should try a less strenuous major, like General Studies.  And maybe pick up some extra shifts at Red Robin...

9.  You can drink excessively, act like a total ass, and no one's judging.  When else in life is it socially acceptable to drink until you are impaired in almost every plane of existence?  I'll tell you where, no where!  Unless you were raised by a bunch of alcoholics, in which case, Thirsty Thursdays are nothing but a review.  In college, people pay no attention to the idiot falling down the stairs, stumbling around, pushing and groping unsuspecting passersby.  Who's that?  Oh, that's Billy.  He shot-gunned like, 8 beers an hour ago.  Fucking awesome, right?  Next he's gonna beer bong a fifth of Jack!  Epic!!!

10.  I was drunk, is always a valid excuse.  This won't work forever, but for now, you can explain to your roommates that you didn't do the dishes, because you were drunk.  To your partners in econ, you can explain that while you started your part of the paper, you didn't finish it, because you were drunk.  You said something offensive to your friend?  Well, you were really drunk, so, actually, you didn't mean it.  People won't always like this answer, but they'll sure as hell respect it.  But I'm betting your boss, your spouse, and your children will not be so understanding...

technology is failing me.

I am getting old. At the used-to-be-tender age of 21, I have decided to throw in the towel and let the rest of the world pass me by.

I'm trying to embrace the fact that I'll just be one of those crotchety old people who doesn't know an iPhone from a Fuji, or Gala. Or, more appropriately, a Granny Smith. When is the age that we stop keeping up with the Jones', and instead spend the bulk of our time trying to understand why the damn commercials are so loud?

A while back, a group of friends (more like classmates and other people I don't like, minus Kaylee, who sometimes I do like) were talking about Flo Rida. Not hearing the emphatic space between flo and rida (loss of hearing is also a sign of old age...) I misunderstood their entire conversation. Butting in, I said,

"Yeah, well, I've been there once. Orlando though, I only went to Disney World."

Kaylee looked at me with confusion, and then what I can only assume was pity.

"We're talking about Flo Rida. The rapper? You know, 'then shorty got low, low, low...' Not the state of Florida."

Was this just the first of many egregious errors I am to make as a person who is no longer as technically, or pop culturally savvy as I once was? Oh, the horror.

I was watching The View the other day, and was accosted by a segment about teens and Facebook. And texting. And MySpace. And whatever the hell else that's out there corrupting the young minds of today. They were throwing out acronyms like, PIR (parent in room), MTFBWY (may the force be with you... ha, ha, ha.) and TDTM (talk dirty to me)... which all made me want to say, WTF? When did I grow up, and how did I get so far out of the loop???

To get back in said loop, I recently created a Twitter account. And by recent, I mean today. About an hour ago. I created it mainly because my two roommates and I had no fucking clue what a "Twitter" was. I have to admit, I'm still a little bit foggy about the whole ordeal.

It seems to me that it's a site full of Facebook Minifeed updates.

So-and-so is watching the Grammy's, and thinks M.I.A. might give birth right in the middle of her swaggering.

Why the hell would anyone want to use a site like this? And who really cares?

We brought in the AIM, Facebook, and Tomagatchi generation, and now, we're being surpassed by the throngs of children who 'Tweet', who text rather than converse, and who use the word like as a noun, pronoun, verb and adjective, which is far trickier than it seems.

Standing in line behind a woman at Safeway the other day, I watched as she tried to use a coupon for her Prilosec OTC purchase. The cashier informed her that she had to go online to input some information to receive the discount. The woman handed back the coupon, as well as the acid reflux pills, and shook her head angrily.

"I don't have a computer. Nevermind," she said, gathering her purse as she left.

What?!? How does she check her e-mail? How does she peruse E-Bay for discount tea kettles and vintage sunglasses? How does she live??!!?

Then it came to me. She, like me, must have given up on technology sometime in her twenties. The roaring 50's took their toll, and she just couldn't fathom using electricity and driving a car without a crank lever...

Kidding aside, I feel her pain. It happens to the best of us. In her youth, Gertrude (as we will refer to her) was probably all a twitter (excuse the blatant pun) with the excitement of the hydrogen bomb and birth control, when the subsequent development credit cards and polio vaccine threw her for a loop. Too much, too soon...

My days of being up-and-coming on the tech scene, much like Gerty, are past. I'll forever show my age by using phrases like "Do you have cable?" or using the seldom heard proper terms, 'cellular phone' or 'text message'... or even asking the rarely uttered, "Can I write a check?".

Yep, my youth is gone.

Dag nabbit.